Small Bribes
Helpful advice for Justice Clarence Thomas
Today’s post is about my song SMALL BRIBES. I wrote it to help our Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, “straighten up and fly Left!” Looks like he needs some advice about how to stay out of trouble. Here’s a video of me as Uncle Sam singing it for him.
SMALL BRIBES
Dear Clarence Thomas, I’m writing you this note
I’d like to offer you a ride in my small boat!
My boat’s not very big, it’s like a kayak or canoe,
But your friends with great big boats, are a problem now for you!
So take small bribes! Small bribes! It's best behind closed doors!
Those big expensive bribes just attract the auditors!
So, take small bribes! Small bribes! It’s safer, don't you see?
Big billionaires don't really care ‘bout folks like you and me!
It’s not a question of illegal ‘cause you do it anyway
You want a-hundred million small bribes? Then vote the other way!
All we ask is that you simply let women have their ‘say’,
‘Bout what happens in their bodies. Politicians go away!
Hey, your Mom could stay with us for free! We’ve got an extra room!
Just let women be in charge of what goes on inside their womb!
If Roe v. Wade comes round again, just get it, “UN-reversed”!
And we’ll let you use our hot tub, ... but you have to shower first!
Y’know Medea from Code Pink, said she’d give you a shampoo!
And Bernie from Vermont, offered Tofu Bar-b-cue!
We tried t’call Anita Hill, but hey, she hung up the phone!
No worries! Willie Nelson’s got some pot t’get you stoned!
Kids will send you their allowance, just support safe laws for guns
Their folks will send you Starbuck cards, an you’ll get prayers from nuns!
Ben and Jerry said they’d name a special flavor just for you!
Just don’t vote for ‘open carry’, ‘fossil fuels’ or ... (ugh!) ‘You Know Who’!
And, L-G-B-T-Q folks give you gifts if you say “Yes!”
Pink ostrich plumes and fake bazooms, to wear with your black dress!
A million happy people will gladly shake your hand
If you take your head out of your butt and help us heal this land!
Now what the heck is wrong with you? You know what rich folks do
To Red-yellow-tan an’ black folks, an’ they screw poor white folks too!
Your butt’s in a wringer, now I’m trying to help you here
Tell the other male justices, ... and say it slow and clear, ly! ....
Take small bribes! Small bribes! They’re easier to hide!
Big billionaires don't give a crap
Small folks like us have got your back!
An’ Ginni didn’t help ya Jack!
So take a ride in my kayak! It’s true!
Take Small bribes! Small bribes! Safe for Republicans,
Joe Man-chin, ... and You!!
(But, no more gerrymandering, okay?!)
Written by Peter Alsop, ©2023, Moose School Music (BMI)
This is obviously very sound advice. “But why,” ... you might ask, ”do you perform it as Uncle Sam?” I know, ... I know, ... Uncle Sam is just another ‘old white guy’, ... and aren’t we all a little tired of listening to old white guys? I know I am. But I thought, in this case, it might add a little extra weight to get dear Justice Clarence Thomas to listen! I figured if he heard it from an American icon who represents all the people, that he might just consider changing his ways! And Uncle Sam wants me to let you know, that these days, it’s a lot more difficult than it used to be, to represent all the people! We have to be aware of every single person in our wide-ranging diversity, if we want to have a government that provides equal justice and serves all our citizens equally too! It’s clear that many of our government officials seem to be a bit off-track. So, ... I’ll let you know if I hear back from Justice Thomas, and if I do, ... and you have something in particular you’d like to offer him in return for leaning a bit more to the Left with his Supreme Court decisions, ... drop me a note, ... and I’ll see it I can hook you up!!
So glad you stopped by. This is also available on my audio podcast. Peter Alsop’s SONGS TO CHEW, (#253). I’ll be back soon with another ‘Song to Chew’. I’d love to hear your comments! More to come, … bye for now!
Thanks Jim! If only I could get him to agree! We might get some 5-4 rulings that would feel a bit les scary! Happy birthday!
Brilliant, Peter.