Spit Ball

Escalation and Revenge

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The question of the day seems to be, “where does all this cruelty and brutality come from?” I hear it all around me, and fans have written to ask, “What happened to ‘love’ thy neighbor?!” Wars rage. Innocent refugee families are killed with drones and bombs. We continue ugly disagreements here at home in our magnificent, yet battered and bruised US. Is this simply a recurring human algorithm? We constantly hear the word ‘unprecedented’, yet so many of these human themes have been going on for years.

When I’m surrounded by ‘out of balance’ adult behaviors, I try to see what’s going on emotionally for the ‘little kid’ inside each of the big adult bodies of our economic, military and political leaders. If I look closely, I can see hints of my own unresolved fears, anger and sadness that have shaped my own stories. These stories taught me who I am, and what actions I can take to get ‘back into balance’ when the rest of the world shakes me. If it works for me as a human individual, there’s hope that we can take some similar collective actions, and maybe ‘turn the tide’ of unkindness and hatred that we seem to be experiencing.

My song “Spit Ball” considers ‘escalation & revenge’. Quinnlyn Scheppner, my granddaughter, recorded this with me when she was eleven year old.

“Not just for kids”

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SPIT BALL                                                                    D | d-a-d-g-b-d|
Fred throws a spit ball, hits Dustin on the head             D
Dustin picks it up, throws it back at Fred                       D
But Dustin misses Fred, and the teacher doesn’t see      D
So Dustin chews more paper, makes it gooey as can be   D

He wads it on his finger, flicks it cross the aisle           G-D
Hits Fred between the eyes, but Fred, he doesn't smile   G-A-A7
He scrapes away the goo, ... wipes his forehead dry         D
Throws his pencil back at Dustin, hits him in the eye!      D

Chorus:  Small as a spit ball, that’s how it always starts   G-D
Back and forth it grows, ‘til the world gets blown apart     Asus4-A-D
And everyone blames someone else, but no one takes the blame   G-Bm
When we do the same things over, things always end the same.   A, Em-A-D

Darlene doesn’t want to, ... be friends with Felice
Cause Felice, drew pictures of Darlene with pointy teeth!
She gave ‘em to Darlene’s friends, just to make ‘em laugh
So Darlene said, “Felice, you’re an ugly dumb giraffe!”

Felice got angry, wiped jam in Darlene’s hair
Darlene wiped it off, said “Well, I don’t care!”
But she kicked Felice’s leg, knocked her on the ground
They yelled and hit and wrestled, round & round & round!

Chorus

Now kids don’t use spit balls, they use mean words instead
They spit ‘em from computers, ‘til some other kids are dead!
It’s really messed up, and I know revenge is wrong,
But if I do something back, then we’ll never get along!

Someone has to stop. I guess I’ll try it first.
Going first is scary, and you know there’s nothing worse!
So, though it feels awful, when someone else attacks,
If you throw a spitball at me, I will not spit back!

Chorus: It stops with me, ‘cause when no one takes the blame   G-Bm
We all do the same things over, and over, and over, ...              A
And things always end the same.                                            Em-A, D
Yeah, someone’s got to stop! ... or things always end the same!  G-G-G-Em, A-D

Written by Peter Alsop, ©Copyright 2020 Moose School Music (BMI)
On Camping With Dads ~ www.peteralsop.com

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I wonder if kids nowadays even know what a “spit ball” is. At school, we used to chew up paper, make it gooey and then flick it on our finger at other kids, who flicked their own spit balls back at us!  Yes, it was gross, and of course it was mostly boys who did it.

A lot of grown-ups think that kids can’t understand the concept of ‘escalation’, but kids understand. They may not know that word, but if we describe how someone starts something, maybe with a shove, and then the person who got shoved feels attacked, and shoves back harder. Well, the person who started it feels like, “Hey! I didn’t shove you THAT hard!”, and they want to ‘get even’, so, they shove back harder or hit, or do something even worse. That’s called ‘escalation’. Kids understand that. One person starts it, and it grows and grows and grows.

How many times do we need to learn this lesson? How do we stop? Escalating things seems to be a fairly common human trait. The only thing I can think of right now, is to question the part of our stories that teach us that we ‘need to’ or ‘deserve to get even’.  The older I get, the more it becomes clear to me that there is NO actual ‘even’.  Out of balance actions taken by others that affect us, often have nothing whatsoever to do with us, or anything we’ve done. So when we respond with revenge in mind, we often want to get ‘MORE THAN even’. And our own ‘out of balance’ response just spins the wheel again, creating unknown ripples that can and usually do, flow back into our lives and wash us away again!

Getting revenge is a response that is almost always destructive and divisive. Once we pay attention to the ‘litte kid’ inside the adult who has harmed us, … it becomes much easier to consider other, less violent and hurtful ways to heal ourselves from the wounds that have been inflicted, and to find some support and perhaps some other methods for how we can be ‘agents of healing’ for ourselves, … and for those who have been cruel.  One of the most healing things we can do for ourselves, is to learn that ‘forgiveness’ is not about telling someone that what they did was ‘okay’. It wasn’t okay and it will never be okay. It’s about forgiving others so we can move on in our own lives without having that ‘I’ve-been-hurt-and-I’m-still-angry-and-sad’ button that can easily get pushed, and immediately trigger our feelings of ‘revenge’. That active button is what ties us to our painful past, … and forgiveness is the way that we release ourselves from carrying that ‘I’m a victim here!’ story.

Once we learn how to do this for ourselves, we can actually help others learn to do it too. We can ‘lift’ spirits just by listening to someone. And when we can do this we provide them with an opportunity to actually ‘hear their own stories’, and without us saying a word, … they can adjust those stories that continue to ‘get-them-off-track’ and ‘out-of-balance.’

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And if you live in the US, … please VOTE!

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